I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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