Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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