Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
