my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
