I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
