i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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