I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
