Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
