now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
