First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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