Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
