Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
