i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
