If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
