I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
