Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
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It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
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please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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