Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Alive.
So much puke
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
