Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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