Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
