Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
