there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
