I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
