Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
