Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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