i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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