I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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