there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
