I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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