Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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