Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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