there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Hello my rib-scented angel!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
