apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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