I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
