I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
