When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
