turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
