bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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