Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
