Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
