I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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