3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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