Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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