Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
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