Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
