so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
