everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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