I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You left your phone here
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