I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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