I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
