I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
