Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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