How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
