At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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