i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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