i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
