just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
