Already got asked if we're dating
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
