is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
It's official drugs can't kill me
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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